The Art of Relaxation

I've been way too stressed lately. By lately, I mean the last 28 years of my life. Normally I do well under stress. It keeps me motivated. I work best under a time limit. But lately, I can't even sleep. I'm all in knots. Even Enya isn't knocking me out anymore! I used to be out cold before the first song finished. So, to relax, I've been trying to meditate. Sorta. I'm not chanting or any of that. I couldn't even take myself seriously if I did that. Not that it's weird or wrong or anything. I'm just an ass. I'd wind up goofing off and "Om" would turn into something else entirely different. Most likely, it would turn into gibberish. That's if I was feeling mature. Or it'd turn into a song. "Om on the Range". Because I'm 5 years old. And have a really lame sense of humor.

So I don't do chanting. I try mostly to do the deep breathing thing and zoning out thing. But even that doesn't work because I wind up concentrating too hard on my breathing. "Wait, did I hold that for a four count? I don't think I did. What was that sound? My left nostril's a bit blocked. Maybe I should spray and then try the breathing thing. Wasn't this song in a Bugs Bunny cartoon? Wait.. I think it was on a farm. Shit! Which was it?" and so on. I don't relax well. So I've been grabbing nearly every classical cd there is, hoping to find the one that will help me relax. So far, it's been a struggle. I need to get one of those sound machines. I used to have one. The ocean sounds would knock me out, but the heartbeat one scared the shit out of me. I felt like I was starring in my own horror movie. I don't know why they think that would relax anyone.